he broke my heart...i cut  my hair..life's that simple for me...I don't compromise..either I love you or I don't theres's nothing in between. Maybe I never loved anyone in the first place. Well then... I can't do anything about that. The BITCH will strike again.  

    Five months to go and its graduation day. I can't believe that after 7 years, i'm finally getting my degree. Five more months before I take my life seriously. Five more months to plan my future. Five more months before giving up on you.

    Honestly though...I don't think we stand a chance..errr...what I mean is I don't stand a  chance. But what disturbs me the most is that I tired to say goodbye so many times...but it seems that I can't do it. I can't help texting him even I tie my fingers.

     Pathetic..pathetic life...no solutions...just questions left hanging in the air. But honestly though...the longer I wait for answers to come raining on me from the heavens above...these things are getting clearer for me.

      I wouldn't change this day for the world...but greetings just won't matter to me...or to you or to the world. Even I'd shout it to the world...im sure no one will care. I want to shout...to get angry..to whom? I've never been so sure before..but I can't do anything. Like I want to matter..but I don't matter..and you won't mind. I had enough of listening to songs that remind me how miserable my life is. I have this empty feeling of hopelesness....helplesness and I'm sinking deep.I can't help wondering what's on your mind..Or do I have some space on your mind? You're the only thing that matters right now and I feel that I'm losing you for the nth time.

          I've always been avery persistent person. I'm used to getting what I want. This time...I think I'm so damn wrong. Today I realized that there are things in life that were really not meant to be.

          Inisip kong siya na ang gusto kong pakasalan. Nakakalungkot isipin...nung tinanggap ko sa sarili kong mahal ko siya..huli na pala ang lahat. Wala na akong hahabulin..wala na akong babalikan. Kung kailan  pa tae na silang lahat kumpara sa kanya. Inisip ko na kaya kong intayin na bumalik sa dati ang lahat, na baka mahalin niya ako ulit..pero mali ako. Hindi ko pala kayang mag-antay. Marunong din pala akong sumuko. Kung pagmamahal ang pag-aantay sa walang kasiguruhan...hindi ko pala kayang magmahal. Malungkot tanggapin...lalo na kung yung mga plano mo sa buhay...kasama sana siya.Parang wala..wala lang..wala ka ng pinaghihirapan.Wala ka ng "drive" wala ka ng "goals" sa isang iglap lang. Baka nga masyado siyang "focused" at walang panahon. Yun na lang din ang iniisip ko...kung focused siya masyado..ako na lang din...wala naman akong choice. Alam ko nasaktan ko siya BIG TIME..at wala akong karapatang magbalik-loob at magmaganda ngayon. Kung ginaganyan niya ako..binabasura at kinekebs...nasa kanya ang lahat ng karapatan para gawin yon. Ngayon-ngayon lang naisip ko,,para akong tinanggalan ng oxygen..ngayon ko lang to naramdaman to..nanlalata..pinipilit maging masaya..dahil ganon talaga.I'm always okay or at least I always LOOK okay. Kaya ba niya ako ndi sinseryoso dahil ndi ako mukhang miserable?

              Nalungk0t ako...sobrang nalulungkot...kahit saan kahit anong oras..basta naisip kong "goodbye na" naiiyak ako. Hindi ko inakalang mag-aabort mission ako. Nalulungkot ako na sinayang namin...sinayang KO ang panahon. Ngayon..wala na...kung magbago man ang isip niya...8 buwan na lang ang meron kami. Mahal na mahal ko siya..ndi ko na naiintindihan ang sarili ko...ndi ko naiintindihan pero alam ko ang gagawin ko.Naiiyak ako na naiisip ko na ndi ko na makikita pagtapos ng 8 buwan ang taong minahal ko na naniniwala akong minahal din ako dati..pero tatanga-tanga ako. HIndi ko na mababago ang isip niya. Ginawa ko na rin naman lahat...ndi ko siya masisisi...pero tao lang din naman ako.

               Sabi ng nanay ko baka ndi talaga siya ang "THE ONE"pwede..may point si inay...pero naiiyak ako kasi alam ko sa sarili ko..para sa akin..siya na talaga..pero mukha yatang ndi ako ang "THE ONE" niya.

 

This is Berna on the saddest day of her life....  

   I was walking alone in this lonely happy night. I find myself crying again..after a long long time about something that feels good and yet very very lonely at the same time. I was crying because of unrequitted love...again. I ask myself "BAKIT KASI NDI NA LANG AKO?! ganyan ba talaga katagal gumaling yang puso mo?". I've been waiting since the beginning of time. How many times do I have to watch you break your heart? I'm crying because I believe that you've always been the right one but I know that its a fact that you don't love me. You were always busy feeling sad about a love that was never really yours to begin with. Please live for me. Another year is coming...please...try to make it different for your own sake. Please move on. I always pray that someday you'll finally admit the fact that maybe she's not really for you. Every year I see you hurt yourself and I'm hurting too everytime..because I know I can't do anything about it. I'm not your princess, not even close...but at least I'm here, I've always been and I always will be.

Ok...after writing half of this entry I accidentally deleted it. Maybe it was not meant to be. This is a birthday entry to commemorate the 2nd year anniversary of my blog( it was a birthday gift)

    I was called by the Dean of the College to talk about a health project spearheaded by our sorority. As I was walking down the corridors..I was  thinking about my party that night. Who will be going, who will be not going, and those people that refuse to greet me on my birthday eventhough they knew the date like their name. Shucks...such a loser. I don't have the time to contemplate whether he will greet me or not this year like I did last year. Maybe I was just too busy. But honestly, I was wishing I don't see him. I dont  want any akward moment face to face.

    Knock, knock. I entered the Dean's office and he was beaming at me. We talked around twenty minutes and I made my excuses since I had an exam at 3:00 o'clock. I walked to door and opened it. SURPRISE!!!!!!!!! Mr. X (read my old entries)was there sitting at the sofa outside the Dean's office. Eyes locked with me saying in my mind "So what do you do now? You know and I know freaking well I bet all my toes on it...THAT YOU KNOW THAT TODAY is MY BIRTHDAY?" . But the split second that the world stopped, I decided to turn around and decided to shrug it off. At my fifth step, a TEAR fell from my eye. He was sitting at the exact place where we first met....


* I always knew that we were really not meant to be...maybe not in this lifetime. But in the greater scheme of things...if other "lifetimes" are true I was wishing we will find each other again.

             What the heck....2 weeks of clerkship is over,54 weeks to go.  What I've dreaded before is actually here. It's hard..it's so fucking hard..it made me rethink my life lately. I will be living a life like this for two freaking years. Am I up to the challenge?

---

            
             The first week was terrible. I must admit that my extracurricular activities were taking its toll on me. Sometimes I regret it but when it's done, I'm just so happy its over. A lot of adjustments in different aspects of my life are waiting to be done. Relationships with people...lifestyle change...my own personal behavior.... time management... and to find a way to just laugh it all out as I always did before.

---

             Two days ago was probably one of the worst days of my life. I woke up late around 7 am (i was post-duty the other night) when I have to sign in for attendance at 7 am. Isn't that fabulous? I took a bath hastily...went to school around 7:15. I rode a pedicab then noticed that I have this dreaded "blood stain" in my pants. So to save myself from utmost embarassment, I went home to change. By the time I arrived to the attendance sheet...FUCK! I was crossed out. That means I have a 24-hour duty make-up. FUCK...I'm sleepy..I'm late and I have my freaking period. I have to be in the Out Patient Department to see patients at 8 am. We're supposed to be 5 clerks in the clinic...but the other three are Malacanang scholars and have to be there to have some lunch with the President. So that means only 2 of us can chart one million OPD patients. AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! It crossed my mind just to go home, rest, sleep eat and sleep again. Anyway, I'm absent in paper and I have to make-up for it anyway. But still...that little angel( that I always ignored) in my head is telling me to stay. When I was dealing with my patients,it made me happy. Just talking with them and knowing that they DO BELIEVE in everything you say. This may sound cheesy..but believe me its an amazing feeling...it's enough to make an unbelievably bad day..feel ok. That day...i realized na.."GANITO KO KAGUSTO MAG-DOCTOR...KAILANGAN TUMINGIN NG PASYENTE...MAY ATTENDANCE MAN O WALA".
                                                                                                                                    

---

            Don't use flattery when you're not a good liar. Don't use flattery if your eyes don't need words. I have to unlearn this skill in reading other people's minds. I hate it be correct all the time. I do hope my hunches about things will be wrong someday. Kahit man lang sana isang beses sumablay ako. Hindi talaga ako tanga eh..sorry. Magaling akong mag-pretend na tanga though. Hindi talaga ganon kadali ang mga bagay-bagay. I hate June. I love summer. Summer is more peaceful but June is the real world.

---

             I once risked looking at you straight in the eye. It made me sad because I don't feel the love anymore. The butterflies were all gone. The love I felt for you has long been gone. I had buried it in the deepest crevices of my mind.  What I feel now is hate..bitterness...love is a lot better but its just not there anymore. I'm amazed at my own capabilities. I can look at you straight in the eye and you can't. Years of learning how to do it is finally paying off. Hurting myself is over. Now I walk my way home... alone and its ok. The day you can't meet my eyes made me laugh. I think I'm growing up..you're not. Maybe I'm finally moving on...I don't know about you..but I think its better this way. Once before I thought we needed to talk, but now...just keep your thoughts to yourself. hahaha

       He cried many times and he always chose to text me. He cried because of another girl and of course..I was a friend. I did  my best. I let him cry his heart out and replied to every text message that he sent eventhough I'm not sure if my words really comforted him.  I cried many times too for some whatever reason and he always did the same. The only difference is..at first his words didn't quite provided comfort too..but then some things just changed.

       I didn't mean these things to happen. I wasn't entirely aware that I'm falling for this guy who had always been a friend. That I'm sure. Something more? I don't think so. I was in denial at first. I told myself that only one thing's for sure...he was someone special. I just can't let this happen. He was not ready to fall in love and if ever that he was ready..I'm not sure if it is going to be me. But then again...I can't help it. He was a very nice person..probably one of the nicest..if not the nicest guy I've ever met. I can't stop talking about him.... I can't even stop thinking about him. He was no prince charming if based on physical attributes. Big belly, pimples, dark skin, short stature..whatever...pardon me...but in some weird way..I do find him cute. He was someone who made me realize that for me PERSONALITY mattered more than good looks.

        He has his quirks. He's not perfect. But there's something in him that draws me closer everyday and it scares me to death. I love his easy smile and the way he laughs at my witty remarks and crazy antics. He was always very supportive in everything I do and yet gives some direction to my crazy existence by telling the truth always. Everyday it's getting harder to try to conceal my feelings from him and from everyone else around us. It's so hard that it hurts sometimes. Sometimes that I just wanted tell those nosy people that "YES I REALLY REALLY LIKE THIS PERSON I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT  AND 'M SO DAMN PROUD OF IT!!!". (I'm fresh from a previous heartbreak and everyone thinks that what I'm feeling now is suicide.) But I can't. I just can't afford to commit the same mistakes again.It's so freaking hard to hide what you I feel. I really do care for him. Sometimes I fear I'm showing it too much. Sometimes...I want to tell him to stop holding my hand because it doesn't feel the  same for me anymore. There's this guilt feeling that I'm being so unfair to our friendship. I feel that I'm totally betraying him by feeling this way but yet loving him feels so good.

         It's not a perfect situation. It's miserable actually. I can't help it. Love is such a beautiful thing to just let it pass you by.You're not loving if your not feeling the pain. Painful that it is...so be it. It's all about taking the risks

 to Mr. Long term,

                Hi! Pagtapos ng isang taon... ndi ko inakalang type pa rin kita. Naaliw pa rin ako sa'yo at wala pa rin akong nakikitang dahilan para maturn-off sa'yo. Nakakatawa ba? Ako rin natatawa. Nakakatawa ka kasi eh..lagi. Minsan umiiyak ka..pero ndi naman ako ang dahilan so wala naman akong magagawa but nonetheless isa ka pa ring isang kakaibang tao. Hindi kita mahal..so ano? Crush? Yuck masyadong highschool..Pwede bang "special" na lang gamitin kong term. Basta alam ko..special ka.

                Noong nagdaang taon, you never failed to make me smile every once in a while when I needed someone to make me smile. You've been very very supportive. Kahit exam pa yan, bagong boylet o sa kung anuman. Sigurado akong kaibigan kita kaya nagu-guilty ako. You've always been very kind and thoughtful. Kahit ndi ka gwapo..who cares?

                Kahit gaano pa 'to ka-mushy at cheesy sabihin na ang lahat ng kabaduyan. Pag tinitingnan kita napapa-"smile" ako . Yuck no? kadiri. Pero eto ka ndi kita gustong rape-in katulad ng ibang type ko. Basta..mataas ang respeto ko sa'yo. Parang hindi ka boy toy, wala kang "kabit" effect. Kaya Mr. Long Term kasi parang ikaw...parang ikaw na yung pwedeng pakasalan.

                 Pero ano nga bang mangyayari? Paano mo naman ako papansinin eh masyado kitang friend. Buti na lang walang deretsahang nagtatanong sa akin kung gusto ba kita o mahal kita. Sa tingin ko maraming gustong magtanong wala lang naglalakas-loob. Buti na lang walang nagtatanong..kasi ndi ko rin alam isasagot ko.

                 Hay...ang tanga ko no? Sabi ng wag na lang munang magmahal o maghanap ng prospect. Eh ndi ko naman sinasadya eh!!!Kasalanan ko ba na para kang anghel at kung minsan man na nagiging masama ka...cute pa rin. Kakaiba ka sa kanilang lahat..hindi mo ako minumura..kahit gaano ka komportable sa akin. babae pa rin ang tingin mo sa akin.  Ah basta..ndi ko alam kung may mangyayari na this time. Basta...masaya ako ngayon. Nguminigiti na ulit ako sa kawalan...kahit saan..kahit mag-isa...kahit nagaassist sa OR table...kahit naglalakad...basta weird ba? Eh ganon talaga eh. Thank you for bringing back my butterflies..I never thought they were still alive. Tingnan mo nga naman...sino bang mag-aakalang ikaw pala?

         I'm spending the next three weeks of my life in Pedia Surgery. Ito kasi yung pinili kong summer elective. Bakit? Kasi gusto kong mag-surgery. Gusto kong maging surgeon at ndi ko makita ang sarili ko sa ibang fields ng Medicine. Pero kamusta naman ang elective? Hell...

          Gusto kong maging surgeon dahil kakaiba ang adrenalin rush at happiness na nabibigay sa akin ng paghiwa ng tao at pagkatapos non..kaya mo pa rin siyang buhayin at mas okay pa kesa sa kondisyon niya bago siya pinatulog ng anesthesiologist. Pero ngayon sa elective ko..nakikita ko kung gaano siya nakakapagod at kung gaano siya ka-frustrating para sa isang residente. Isama ba  naman kami sa OR  ng nakatayo ka ng halos limang oras habang nakikita mong pinpagalitan  ang residenteng nag-aassist dahil nakakatulog na siya. Kung pagalitan sila ng mga fellows at consultants..parang wala na silang ginawang tama. Kawawa naman sila..tao lang din naman sila. So ganito ba ang gusto ko? Tratuhin araw-araw na parang hindi tao? Susme..ewan ko na lang. Mataray pa naman ako..ma-pride pa..baka pag nag-surgery ako diyan sa PGH..hindi nga ako iiyak kaso baka naman sa Psych ward na ako pulutin.

            Limang taon ako mag-aaral pagtapos ng med proper kung Surgery ang pipiliin kong residency in the future. By that time na matapos ako, 29 na ako..may panahon pa ba akong magpamilya? Hay..life.. Nung isang araw pinaattend kami ng Surgery audit. Dinidiscuss don lahat ng namatay na patients under Surgery at yun ding mga lumala after operation. Lahat ng residents, consultants, students and fellows ng department andon. May isang residente na nagreport ng case niya at inamin niya na may naging pagkakamali or pagkukulang nga siya. Bigla ba namang may consultant na tumayo, lumapit sa microphone at sinabing "Dr.X what year are you in?" sumagot si residente "5th yr. sir" sabi ni consultant "IM SCARED...IM SCARED FOR THE PATIENTS IN PGH!!!" .Sheeeettt!!!!!!!! Nadurog ang puso ko nung narinig ko yon. Awang-awa ako dun sa resident. Lalo akong naaawa nung ngumiti lang siya na parang sanay na sanay na siya sa ganon at parang wala na lang ang insultong tinanggap niya. Isa pang SHEEEEEETTTTT sabi ko sa sarili ko. Ito ba ang buhay na gusto ko? Yung napapahiya sa buong mundo? Kakayanin ko ba pag nangyari to sa akin?

             Marami pa akong kwento tungkol sa elective ko. Next time na lang siguro. Pero talaga namang makulay ang napiling kong elective. Kung may magtatanong sa akin na classmate ko kung okey ba na ito ang piliin nila, ito ang isasagot ko. "Kung may balak kang mag-Surgery..I highly recommend it. Para malaman mo ngayon pa lang kung ano talaga ang balak mong pasukin" Ang scary part don..kahit nakikita ko 'to at naiisip ko 'to..magsu-surgery pa rin ako.